Darkness, Light and the Ever Present Truths
by icey cold
Summary: Knights of the Old Republic I One Shots on love, betrayal, action and closure.
1. Idyll

**Idyll**

_Disclaimer: The Star Wars Universe doesn't belong to me, it belongs to George Lucas. Knights of the Old Republic and all its characters belong to Bioware/Lucas Arts. I am but a poor girl with a large imagination. _

Relax and enjoy!

_**Idyll**: noun, 1. A scene or event of a simple and tranquil nature; 2. A carefree episode or experience; 3. A romantic interlude. _

I've never considered myself a heavy drinker. I'll have maybe one or two Tarisian ales or Corellian brandies when I'm out with some friends, but I never make it a habit to drink more then I can handle. Only once did I ever fall into the bottle. That was when my wife died and my son was missing. It's a very common story, the dutiful husband destroys himself because he lost his woman, but it was more then that. It was so much more then that. If you've built your entire world around someone and it comes shattering down around you, how can you even bother to pick up the pieces? There isn't much of a point because you sure as hell can't put them back together again.

That first year was the hardest of my life. There was nothing left of my family, our house had been utterly destroyed. All I had were the memories of our time together and the holograph images that I kept with me. They didn't ease any of the pain or longing. Devastated couldn't even come near to what I felt. My friends didn't fill that hollow void within me that had once been the loves of my life. Even as I made inquiries about Dustil's whereabouts, I knew he wouldn't come back. I swore to myself that I would kill all those responsible for my misery. They _had _to be avenged, my wife, Dustil and least of all myself. My heart was boxed and sealed away forever.

So imagine my surprise when some strange woman on a rainy Tarisian day took out a key and opened me up. She pried my secrets out of me until I had nothing left to tell her…and even then it wasn't enough! Damn woman, I had to talk about the weather in order to keep her happy. She was clever though, she kept coaxing me further out of my shell and then she ripped it away. It wasn't funny, either! But, I couldn't be angry with her. Even after the truth was revealed that she used to be the personification of evil in the galaxy, that wasn't her…not the woman I was starting to care about.

I do care about her. I really do, sometimes I don't think I have anything left to offer though. She's beautiful, she has a great deal of power and she's made some very lucrative decisions. She's loved by all, enamored millions and conquered thousands. She's young, too. I'm not very popular with her masters; hell I'm not popular with many of her kind! Jedi do not love, they can feel no emotion. That's not _her_! She's not like them and that's why she's raised above them. They place her on a pedestal that no one else can reach, but she always lowers a hand to lift me up to her.

So as I sit at the small, Tatooine bar, its not a surprise that I've nursed the same drink for more then an hour. Moping. Sometimes I just have to get away from life. I do what I can to keep the doubt at bay. I shouldn't be on that pedestal with her. I give up on the glass and down the contents.

To hell with patience.

"Hey there, soldier." A woman sidles next to me at the bar. "Mind if I sit here? You looked so lonely when I entered, I thought you could use some company."

I shrug. "Of course. Seat's not taken." She's not a bad looking woman, nice figure, attractive features…it's a free planet. She can sit where she likes.

"Are you going to buy me a drink?" she gives me a crooked grin and motions her head to the bartender.

I scowl, but I do get her a drink anyway. It is only polite.

"So tell me," she comments after taking a sip, "why the long face?"

I stare into my glass. "I don't really want to talk about it. You wouldn't even understand"

She gives a little laugh. "I'm sure this gal can help you sort out your problems."

I continue to stare at the empty container.

"Keep looking at that thing and you'll burn a hole in the bar." The woman motions to the bartender and he fills my glass. She gives him a few credits and takes a swig of her own concoction. "Debt repaid. Now are you going to tell me why a handsome fellow like yourself is alone on an evening such as this, or am I going to have to extract the information out of you?"

"I'm not a happily married man," is my prim response. I risk a glance at her, she looks mildly surprised.

"Don't leave me with that little tidbit. Out with the rest."

"Listen, sister, my troubles are my own. I wanted to drown them in peace and quiet - "

"Touchy, touchy," she interrupts. "No need to go nova on me. You see, I too have my troubles and sought to drown them…just not with this foul liquid. Damn! What did you order me, hyperdrive coolant?"

I give a small chuckle. "Heh. That's brandy, it's the same thing I've got."

She wrinkles her nose and in some strange form of politeness, drains the tumbler and sets it far away from her. She emits a low hiss of breath as I can assume the brandy burns its way down her throat.

"If you didn't like it, why did you drink it?" I ask.

She shrugs and leans an elbow on the bar top to face me. "Its no fun to drink alone."

"But I still have my brandy."

"Hah! I can get more conversation out of a bantha than you." She leans in and traces my forearm with a fingernail. I try and suppress my shivers as she makes her way up my arm. "I can go if you want me to, but I'd rather not." Her eyes flutter as she follows the red path her nail has made on my skin. Finally, she meets my gaze. "I really am curious about your problem."

Women really know how to mess me up. "What's there to say?"

"First off," she purrs, "why don't you tell me what it is about your wife that irritates you."

"And then?"

She smiles slowly, "and then you can tell me all the juicy details in the relationship. I would be able to give the best advice, of course."

I can only sigh and give in. Damn their tricks. This is not my night for resistance. How do I start? "It's not my wife that irritates me. It's her superiors. She's uh…she's a Jedi. You know the whole drill, Jedi don't feel emotion, can't love and all that other crap."

She nods. "Oh yes. I'm quite well acquainted with the Jedi. You poor bugger, their women are frigid things."

I raise an eyebrow at her but she winks at me and I continue on. "They don't approve of us. None of her colleagues, save for one crazy old man, think that our love is a good thing. She's gone through so much though, who gives them the right to deny her happiness?"

The woman turns to stare out a window. "I don't think its her you have to worry about. Let this Jedi gal sort her own problems out. You don't meddle in a woman's affairs. Take care of yourself."

I nod my head. "Wise words. You sure you aren't one of those preachy hypocrites in disguise?"

She turns back to me. Her giggle sends shivers down my spine. "Preachy hypocrites in disguise? Oh my, soldier, you do have a naughty streak in you!" She gives my arm a squeeze before resting her chin in her palm. "So why haven't you just told the old kooks to leave you two alone?"

"I doubt that would make a difference. The Jedi Order is her life and profession, I can't take her away from all of that."

"You shouldn't presume to know what this gal wants. Have you tried talking to her about your doubts?"

"No, no I haven't." I scrub my face with the palms of my hands.

"That's rather foolish."

"Look, we've both been busy lately. Besides, this isn't a feeling that's just come up; I've felt this way for a long time. Even before we were married. She has this huge destiny and…I can't be a part of it. There feels like there's no place for me."

Another look of mild surprise. "You should really talk with her about this."

"Heh. Its not as easy it sounds, sister."

"Well," she sits up and stretches, "you're not doing yourself any favors by moping about."

Moping? Heh. I snort in indignation. "And what would you know about it? You came here to mope yourself."

She nods. "So I did, but men and women handle their problems differently. Women tend to -"

"Oh no, don't even try and pull that one on me. I'm not telling you anymore." I get the feeling she doesn't believe me.

"Very well then, soldier. You don't have to tell me anything else. In fact, I'll go one up and tell you my story. Would that make you feel better?"

"You do what you like. It doesn't seem I'll be leaving any time soon."

She gives a sigh and runs a hand through her hair before starting. "Thank you for being so enthusiastic." She looks sideways at me before going on. "I've got man troubles, soldier. He's a good guy, everything a gal like me could want…tall, dark, handsome. Claims he's the silent type but he's quite chatty if you needle him a little." She chuckles. "Its so hard not to be attracted to him."

"So what's the story?" I ask. I make a motion to take a pack of cigarras out of my pocket, but I gave them up years ago. Old habits die hard in the face of depression.

"You smoke?" she questions.

"Used to."

"Fair enough." She scrutinizes me for a few moments before placing whatever accusations aside and continues. "The story is that the two of us appear to be growing apart. I'm a working woman; my profession is all I've known for my entire life. Love has only recently played into the equation." Her fingers drum a little tune on the stained metal. "Now don't get me wrong, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but he doesn't really believe that." She shakes her head. "I don't know what I can do to make him any more at ease."

"He's probably afraid that if he latches on to you, he'll drag you down."

Now it's her turn to snort. "Drag me down into what? You men have such egos. It's always about you, that you'll drag us down to your level. Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps we could pull you up to ours?"

"Now who's got the ego? Pull us up to your level…heh. Sometimes there's not room up there for two people. Did you ever think of that?"

"Room can be made," is her response. "You think the universe is set in stone? Please spare me the melodrama. Situations change and people have to adapt. If you don't, you die. Facts of life."

"You lost me there."

Her voice isn't exactly angry when she responds, but I know that if I keep being difficult she might really give me a peace of her mind.

"Stop worrying about what other people think. You're the new situation; these crazy Jedi kooks have to adapt. Understand me so far?"

I nod my head.

"Good. You had me worried there for a minute, soldier. I wasn't sure we were speaking the same language." She removes the glass from my hands and sets it on her far side. "You have to understand that relationships are between two people. If one person's carrying all the weight, it's not really an equal partnership. You've been married, you know that."

I look away. I do know it; I've been very unkind. "Yeah, I do."

"Hey, look back here, soldier. Don't hide that handsome face from me." Her hand moves and tilts my face back towards her. She brushes a few stray strands of hair from my forehead. "So then, brown eyes, you know what I'm going to say next?"

"I can kinda guess," I reply.

"Then tell me." Her fingertips glide across the stubble on my jaw before her hand returns to the bar top.

"You want me to be honest about my problems. You also expect me to put away all my doubts and put a little faith in the relationship. You want me to believe that it will work no matter what happens." I smile at her. "I'll try."

"Do or do not. There is no try."

The smile slips to a scowl. "Don't try and sell that to me."

She raises a shapely eyebrow. "But it's true. You either want this or you don't. Make your decision, soldier. This gal won't be around forever."

I rub the bridge of my nose. "I know, I know. I haven't gone about this the right way. I haven't done anything right lately."

"I'll say."

If she's trying to rattle my nerves, it's not working. "Cute, sister."

"So I've been told," she serves back. I watch her fiddle with a ring on her finger. "Just don't keep avoiding the answer. Do you want this? It's an important question," she says softly.

I don't even have to think about the response. "I want it."

She grins at me. "Then take it. I would if I were in your shoes."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe. Would you ever be in my position? I mean, you are the expert." Putting her off guard, I shoot my hand across her to try and recover my drink.

Her hand reaches out to grab mine and I fall short of my goal. "I can only tell you what I want to hear. Whether you've listened to what I said, well…" she lets the sentence trail off.

We sit in silence for a few moments, my hand within hers. She idly strokes my knuckles with her thumb. Its amazing what touch can do.

"I listened." I slip my hand from her grasp.

I expect a sharp retort, but none comes at me. Instead she murmurs, "good."

I give up on trying to get my drink. "What are you going to do?"

"Well," she breathes, "I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to come to his senses. I'll hound my man to the ends of the galaxy." She loses her gusto as she finishes, "I only hope he would do the same for me. I'll never give up on him."

The words just come flying out of my mouth. "Even if he wants to give up on you?" Why don't I ever think before I speak? Stupid, ignorant bantha of a man! She looks as if I've slapped her. I try and stammer out an apology but the damage has been done. The words I say sound false even to me.

She halts any further sound from my mouth with a raised hand. She doesn't look at me. "No, no need to apologize. You…you raise a good point. I can't force him to stay, can't force him to love me. I…" she gives a bitter smile, "I would just hope that perhaps I mean as much to him as he does to me."

Redeem yourself, I tell my mouth. "Has he given you any indication that he - "

"Sometimes I can only guess." She swallows my drink. I don't see her grimace this time around.

Now it's my turn to make her look at me. I swivel her barstool towards me and take her hands in my own. "I don't think he will."

Her eyes dart to my face and then to some dirty spot on the floor. "Are you so sure, soldier?"

I release one of her hands so that I can raise her head. "Leave a woman like you? What is he, mad?" I know it's a poor statement but I manage to get a half smile out of her.

"You know, I have to wonder sometimes." She strokes my hand thoughtfully. "He followed me through hell and back and puts up with my merciless teasing everyday. He traveled halfway across the galaxy to get my wedding ring and answers all my irritating questions. If that's not a sign of madness, I don't know what is."

"You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself, you know that?"

And she gave me the same smile she had on Taris, the one filled with so much promise of hope and understanding. The one I fell hard for so long ago.

I can't help but fall again.


	2. To Kindle Hope

**To Kindle Hope**

We do the strangest things for those we love. We lose all self-control when moved to passion or anger and in those moments of rage and pain we forget who we are.

I've done it myself; left bruises where I should have been gentle or tears when there should have been a smile. I've always caught myself from falling too far in.

Not this time, though. I don't want to be in control of myself when I see her, when I have to touch her, act as I did when I was her lover. All I want to do is close my eyes, hang my head and wish for the ultimate end that she will never grant me.

I'm an idiot because I should have seen the signs. There were little things she did that could have raised a few eyebrows. Things like waving a docking fee, a threat to someone when she couldn't persuade them…it all seemed perfectly normal. It was harmless enough as she did good things too. When she helped someone, she really went of her way to do it. She was polite and cheerful for the most part. It only ended when her charm wouldn't work and then it was like a whole new person had emerged. It was a vicious part of her nature that I wanted to deny.

How could she of all people be an amoral monster? It just wasn't possible. I thought that maybe Canderous or another of the crew was influencing her with ideas, so I tried to give her my thoughts on a decision she was making. She never listened.

To those who wouldn't cooperate, she gave harsh ultimatums and the resulting outcome of death. In battle, she was methodical and brutal. She didn't look as if she reveled in the death, on the contrary, she looked determined and perfectly cool once the fight was over. It was as if the deaths were just a meaning to an end. It was nothing personal to her.

I thought it was the stress of finding the star maps and defeating Darth Malak. She was too young to be saddled with the burden of saving the galaxy, but when she was successful in finding one of the artifacts, the smiles she gave me were breathtaking. When her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement and her entire bodying humming with pleasure, well, I'm surprised I was able to hold off as long as I did. She coaxed me out of my shell and gave me a new reason to live. I still remember our conversation; it sealed the deal between us.

It was after we had found the last star map. She was the epitome of everything I had come to hate, yet she was also the very thing I woke up for everyday. She must have felt something for me too, otherwise she would not have spoken to me. The words just came out of my mouth as I saw her: lips parted slightly as she panted from the Tatooine heat and tresses of hair falling innocently in her eyes.

My mouth had gone dry and I tried to decide whether or not I was acting on that baser part of my mind. Her hand was surprisingly cool when it touched my cheek and I remembered my wife…and the pain of being alone washed over me.

"You gave me a reason to go on. I want to give you a reason too…with me. I think I could love you, if you give me the chance."

Her eyes were alight in a way I had never seen them.

"I think I could I love you too," was her quiet response.

I must have looked like a fool. I know that I was grinning stupidly from ear to ear and I swept her of her feet. We spun about the dark cave a few times before I set her back down and tentatively our lips met. Stars were exploding inside my head as our tongues dueled for dominance and hands explored unknown territories.

She broke the kiss first, leaning close to my ear and whispering, "I'll give you a reason to stay with me forever." She looked into my eyes, _into my soul_, and touched me there. I can only suspect she used the Force to do this, but she stroked that which I am and what I would be with her mind. "Never truly alone," she murmured and that's when I felt the presence. She withdrew…but left some part of herself within me, taking a part of my essence in to her. Like with Bastila, she 'linked' us together.

I thought nothing of it at the time. We made love many times the rest of the day and night, the bond between us growing ever stronger as we coupled. She was sensitive to me, she knew exactly what I was feeling and why. I don't think I could say the same for her. Her base emotions I could feel and I was sensitive to her physical hurts but in truth, that was it. She got more from the 'bond' then I did. Maybe it was because she was a Jedi, I don't know, but if I had known what she would have become, I would never have let her make the connection.

We were happy for a short period of time. I didn't see her eventual betrayal. I knew something was wrong when she returned from the Rakata Temple without Jolee and Juhani. Instead she had Bastila in tow. I felt the difference.

What do you say - what can you say – to the one person who matters the most in your life when faced with their most hurtful betrayal. You can't say 'I'm sorry I have to kill you now' that's for certain.

I remember abstract pieces of our conversation.

"_You're not the woman I fell in love with." Don't you remember Tatooine? How we held one another and started to plan our future? Don't you REMEMBER? "I love you, please don't do this, not to us." _

"_This is the Great Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith and Ruler of the Galaxy." Bastila hissed. Triumphant. _

"_Thank you, Bastila, but you may hold your tongue from now on where I am concerned. Grovel on your knees if you must, but spare me the titles and the flattery. Carth, be gone from here."_

"_I'm going to save you." Don't look at me that way, don't do this to me. Not again…_

"_Go, Carth, before I change my mind."_

Dismissed.

Mission and Zalbaar died that day so I'm told. The droids followed her. Canderous saw this as his grand mission in life, to serve Revan in anyway he could. I'm sure he wants to play surrogate Carth for her but I've a big enough ego to believe she won't let him.

I ran from them, thinking of a way to save the last woman I would ever love. I found the Republic or they found me and I told them all of what had happened. They didn't want to let me go to the Star Forge, so I stole a ship and flew there myself. I waited for her.

She had just killed Malak and was surprised that I had come back. I gave her my choices: she could either kill me, come back to the light or we could die together. That's when Bastila interfered. Subdued by Revan's proclamation that she would kill me herself, I waited and watched as her once blue lightsaber slashed at my chest. Tears streamed down my face as I hit the Star Forge's deck and I thought I was dead.

I awoke sometime later to find myself strapped down to a table. Revan was standing above me, concern etched on her features. She doesn't appear evil, she never does. She is quiet and charming and inspires loyalty because she is human. Being a dark lord of the Sith doesn't necessarily mean that she has be to be a frigid martinet. She is feared because she is methodical and intelligent and with the intelligence comes a very sophisticated, apathetic outlook on death and punishment. That is what inspires fear: her indifference to death and suffering.

Bastila stood behind her scowling. She, on the other hand, was brash and quick to act. She lacked Revan's flair in speech and leadership. Yet despite her missing tact, she did inspire fear. "You're weak, Revan. You should have killed him."

In all our time together, Bastila and I never saw eye to eye on anything. In fact, during our search for the star maps, she never gave me a moment's peace. Always she pushed her way into conversations I had with…with Revan or cornered me alone to chide me on my behavior concerning her.

I couldn't figure out why she was so adamant to keep us apart, but it dawned on me with her next few words: "Don't you understand, Carth? Revan is no man's mistress."

Revan turned a dark stare on her, "and am I now your mistress, Bastila Shan? Do not make the mistake of questioning who is the master and who is the apprentice."

Bastila _wanted _Revan, to be her, to own her. I don't know the whole story between them, only that Bastila had been the one to keep Revan alive when she was captured. Revan is five years older then Bastila, enough of an age difference for hero worship. Hell, the Jedi keep themselves so cloistered its no wonder that they start falling in love with each other. Juhani too, fell for her. With the exception of the droids, though HK does startle me, I think everyone she recruited was smitten with her. Yet she chose me.

I can't say I'm honored.

Once upon a time, Revan had once told me that she thought Bastila had captured her for the glory of being the strongest and brightest Padawan in the Order. I can't dispute that, I think it rings of truth. Revan was the best of her time; Bastila then became the best. Then Revan returned and Bastila was lost to jealousy. Malak fanned the flames, that's true, but Bastila was lost long before he came.

He was another example of those lost to her charisma. I wonder who pushed who down that road, was it Malak or Revan? Did he bring her along to impress her…or did she go to the farthest reaches of space to be away from the adoring eyes of those she met? It doesn't matter now at any rate.

It's been a few years since she's captured the Star Forge. Everyday I've wanted to drop into despair and die. She won't let me though. I don't have the time to feel empty when she fills me with rage or sadness or…hope. Revan is a master of psychology. She knows just what makes me tick and what will keep me going another day. She'll torture someone as I watch on, knowing that however resigned I am, my blood will run cold and I'll be filled with a longing to rip off her head.

When I'm at my lowest points, when I think I can't go on, she'll come to me and through our 'link', I'll feel her sadness. She'll look at me with her large eyes and it will be just like Tatooine all over again. She does this sporadically, messing with my head to make sure I can never really guess if she's being sincere or not. As I said, the bond between us truly works in her favor. It breaks my heart to feel her so sad but I want to kill her for what she's turned me into.

Revan calls me her guest on the Star Forge. I have nice quarters with appropriate furnishings and I can leave whenever I wish. I can't though. Not only does she have my heart, not only do I carry around a piece of her life force with me, she has Dustil. Whenever I speak of leaving or she reads from my mind that I want to go, we talk of Dustil.

"Dustil's very impressive," she'll say with no hint of malice. "He's almost a mirror of his father."

And I will cower in fear of what she'll do to my boy. Where Bastila is her apprentice, Dustil she is grooming as her protégé. She let's me see him whenever I wish, not stopping us from our contact because she has complete control over him and knows that it will break me. That's all we can talk about. I sit down with my son for some company and all he can say to me is that Revan has shown him so many aspects of life he's never considered. She's brainwashed him to be the sniveling acolyte at her every beck and call.

She doesn't need Canderous to service her if I die. Dustil would gladly jump at the opportunity. Like father like son, we adore Revan despite her darkness. Oh yes, she's given me a reason to stay with her forever.

I'm with her now, eating dinner as we talk of nothing and everything. She is dressed in black as is her wont but I don't see any markings of the dark side on her. She pauses the conversation and she stretches out her hand to touch my cheek. It's surprisingly cool. "I love you," she tells me softly.

No matter how hard I wish the words would ring hollow in my ears, I believe them.


	3. Identities

**Identities **

It was quiet and dark within the confines of the Ebon Hawk. Peace had pervaded everyone's thoughts: Malak was dead, his fleet stopped and the world was safe. The reign of terror that should have enslaved the galaxy left an open hole within the day to day life of its inhabitants. For so long they had lived with a threat over their heads, first the Mandalorians, and then the Sith. Now there was nothing and they had to adjust to a life where their homes were no longer in threat of being destroyed or their lives shattered by the loss of their loved ones in combat.

In the happiness there was disappointment, and some beings felt more keenly the sorrow than others. 'Revan' was no longer at large; indeed, she was sitting in the cargo bay of the darkened ship, stuffed between the canisters; thinking. What had transpired between Malak and herself aboard the Star Forge had been misconstrued through out the galaxy. They said she had struck him down in a righteous fury, that he died a bloody death that had been a long time in coming. But it hadn't been like that.

They had fought, oh yes, they fought long and hard for their lives, but in the end Malak had repented. He had said that the light was stronger than the dark, that he had been _wrong_. It was too late for him to change the past, but he accepted his error, and that was the victory. Not his death, but his final words where he ultimately understood that light would conquer the darkness. He died the type of death that ended every storybook, but never merited in the world.

Of course the Jedi council did nothing to dissuade the masses from their popular belief. She believed they might have even endorsed it, allowed the people to embrace that the ultimate evil was destroyed and was never coming back. While the Jedi classified themselves in shades of gray, their associations were always of the black and white variety. There was always a good party, a bad party and a form of justice to be paid. Her hard efforts to bring about peace and truth were daunted by the people she worked tirelessly for.

But what they did that hurt the most, was allow her the luxury of the past. They gave her time to dwell on things she couldn't change but only accept, but how could she accept the death of millions of people? All the families that she killed; all the innocent lives she had taken within her dark side wrath were a scar to her soul. As she watched Sasha from the corner of her eye she had to wonder, how many like her had she left mother and fatherless?

The young girl was sleeping soundly in a nearby panel. Try as she might, not even Mission could convince the child to leave the spot. The Hawk's crew felt guilty that they had indirectly caused the death of her parents, but most of them would defend the youth to the bitter end, at least if their commander ordered them to. And she would, she'd die first before she let the world take a stab at the golden haired youth.

"The world has a lot of people," whispered the woman into the darkness. "Even for me, Revan the Destroyer, but as I like to call myself, Aurora..." that was her chosen name of course, Aurora Gemini. Well, not _her _chosen name. The Jedi Council had chosen it for her when she had her memory wiped. Still, it wasn't a bad name by any standards. The only problem was that it didn't fit with a nickname: Aurora the Jedi? Aurora the Hero? Aurora the Savior? Aurora the Preserver? Aurora the Protector?

Nothing stuck to her as it did to Revan. Revan the Jedi; Revan the Hero…Revan was the woman she was, not the woman she would be. It was there that the masses had to draw the line. She would not respond to the call of that name or any other that didn't start with 'Au' have middle letters of 'ro' and end with 'ra.'

"Aurora?" Mission stuck her head through the open passageway and gave a toothy grin when she found her quarry.

Aurora forced a smile and stood. "Shhhh. Sasha's asleep." She rested a hand on her hip and cocked her head to one side. It was her evaluation stance, the one she took when she studied potential allies or enemies.

The Twi'lek nodded her understanding and motioned for the Jedi to come closer. Aurora padded across the floor on booted feet and came to stand next to the blue scoundrel; both looking across the room to a sliver of silver light that illuminated the sleeping child. Mission stood a head and a half shorter than her comrade in arms.

"Do you always come here and watch her sleep before you go to bed?"

"If by always you mean ever since the Star Forge was destroyed, then yes." As an afterthought, the charismatic Consular added, "why, is that so strange?"

Mission shook her head. "No, I used to do it too. When I was trying to come to terms with Griff, I would just sit and watch her. It's very relaxing, ya know?"

Exhaling slowly, Aurora patted a hand on her younger friend's shoulder. "I do. Look, I'll see you when my shift starts in six hours."

"Alright then. I'll go tell Bastilla and Jolee you're going to sleep, mkay?"

Nodding her assent, Aurora slipped from the cargo hold into the storage area. She passed a recharging HK-47; his red eyes dim as his internal batteries took a much-needed rest, though he'd never admit it. She could hear similar clicks coming from the common room, most likely T3-M4 doing the same. Jolee and Bastilla were there with the small astromech. She could hear Jolee's annoyed rumble through the walls as he gave some protest to Bastilla's Jedi teachings. It was just an average night on the Ebon Hawk.

She meandered her way around several scattered swoop bike parts and let the dull _whoosh_ of the air purifying systems lead her to the starboard sleeping cabin. The tall Jedi traced the durasteel rivets in the sliding door that led to her bunk. They were smooth and cool to her touch, a small comfort to her tingling fingertips. It had the same effect on her forehead when she rested it against the doorframe; the chilled metal absorbed any last minute tensions from her skull.

"I know you're lurking out there," came a muffled voice from within the room. The Consular slid aside the door and stepped inside. She locked the door behind her.

Aurora found Carth Onasi sitting on the corner of his bunk, his back pressed against the wall, one leg dangling off the edge and the other curled inward. He had a data pad in his hands and a smile on his lips as she entered. She found him as endearing now as she did when she first awoke to his face what felt a lifetime ago on Taris. She gave a small wave and moved to her personal effects chest so she could dispose of her outer tunic and boots.

"How did you hear me?" She asked at last, standing barefoot on the icy floor.

Carth shrugged, "soldier's intuition." He noted her raised eyebrows and gave a small chuckle, "I've been playing Republic soldier for more years than you've been alive. Cut me some slack, woman."

"You've been handling guns since you were thirteen? My, my, you do impress me."

"Do you think that's all I do, fire guns and fly ships?"

"But it's such a nice distraction for me to think about before I go to sleep. Surely you wouldn't deny me this small respite, so that I can at least dwell on something other than my past?" replied Aurora quietly.

Carth's took a moment to process this information before he dropped the data pad to the floor and opened his arms to beckon her forward. Aurora heeded his call and moved across the room to crawl onto his bunk. She settled herself in the crook of his folded leg and leant back against his chest. Carth wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, murmuring softly to never let her go. He stroked her stomach with one hand, the other holding her own to her heart.

The two stayed like this for some time, neither quite able to sleep, but content to listening to their partner's even breathing and feeling the warmth between their bodies. This wasn't the first time they had shared a retreat amongst the darkness in order to heal themselves. Both had demons to battle and shadows on their shoulders, and neither could drive them away without the other. Whenever they could get a moment alone together, they took it.

Aurora was the one to break their silence. "Who am I, Carth?"

Carth took a lock of dark hair from his shoulder and kissed it. "You're Aurora Gemini."

Aurora savored a bitter smile, "Am I really?"

"Of course, you've proven that more than enough times. It makes sense."

She swallowed a lump in her throat before speaking again. "So all of this is reasonable? This being, Aurora Gemini, the smuggler turned Jedi, has a rational past? After years of smuggling spice and weapons to make a living in a cruel universe, she's picked up by the Republic in order to serve them?" She sighed. "So what did she do then? She was forced to find Bastilla Shan: she completed her mission. She then became a Padawan and from there she discovered the truth. The life was in its entirety, was a lie!"

"So you wouldn't live this lie?" asked Carth, setting a callused hand on her thigh.

"I could _never_ live that lie."

"Could you live with past?"

"Why? Have you considered my alternative lifestyle as Revan?" Shame was evident in her voice. "I killed over three hundred thousand people, destroyed close to four planets and threatened the balance of power in the universe. I fell to the darkside, and my best friend followed." Wetting her lips before she spoke again, Aurora couldn't help but be unnerved by her own self pity, "In case it hasn't dawned on you, I was a monster and a tyrant. I had the galaxy on its knees before me, begging for the mercy I would never grant. I suppose," she stopped. "I suppose the Jedi should have let me die."

Carth did not respond, but instead shifted the woman in his arms to face him. He gave her a gentle kiss on the lips and rested his forehead against hers.

Aurora remained motionless and quiet, her eyes looking through him to the wall beyond. "You're going to say I need to strike a balance between the two."

Carth nodded his head.

"You've been hanging around Jedi too long, I think, Carth. Their ideas are rubbing off on you."

"I'm not gonna impart the wisdom of age on you," he said thoughtfully. "But I've had times in my life well…I wonder if the person on the other end of my blaster has any wife and kids. I do my job, I protect the innocent against oppression, but that doesn't mean I don't get upset about what I've done, or what I'll do in the future. But I accept -"

"You only accept me because you knew Aurora, not Revan," interrupted the brunette. "You mean everything to me, but I remember a time when you weren't so ready for me in your life." Aurora gave a sigh and reached up a pale hand to touch his cheek, "when you rejected me after you learnt I was Revan, I didn't know what to think. I was lost, confused and most of all guilty.

"It was overwhelming what I felt. It wasn't just the rejection; it was the knowledge of who I was, what I became. I won't lie to you, Carth, I considered that once I killed Malak, death would be a very inviting option for me to take."

Carth stiffened and pulled back, his hands grasping her shoulders firmly. "No. NO! You can't and…and you won't!?"

"Easy there, soldier," said Aurora, patting his cheek lightly, "For the most part, I've moved away from thoughts like that. I think that death would be far too lenient a punishment for me."

"Don't say things like that!"

"Guilt overwhelming, Carth! That's what I feel! Every day I wake up I'm assaulted with the knowledge of my devious acts! I can not lock my feelings away to make you feel any better, I'm sorry but it doesn't work like that. You don't understand this pain…this agony that gnaws on me every second!"

Both their eyes were wide with anger, their voices strained.

"Then we can work a way through that! But damn it, woman, the more self-pity you give yourself the worse its going to become. Believe me, I've traveled that lane! I traveled it with you, and you gave me a way out."

"But there is no quick and easy way out! Jedi are different from soldiers, and redemption is much harder than you'd think! It's not fair to those who have passed on if I simply get up and walk away! I'd have paid no penance for my crimes."

"YOU DON'T OWE ANYTHING TO THESE PEOPLE ANYMORE! YOU KILLED MALAK AND THAT'S THE END OF IT! THERE'S YOUR REDEMPTION, YOUR PARDON!"

"THINGS AREN'T THAT EASY! I NEEDTO FEEL THIS PAIN! IT MAKES ME FEEL HUMAN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!"

"NO!" Carth's face was streaked with tears, "no, no I don't understand." His voice became somber and the angry glint in his eyes faded.

Aurora took that as a signal that she too, should calm down. With as much control as she could muster, she asked, "what is it that you don't understand?" She pronounced each word; every syllable was as hard as rock pouring from her lips. It showed her agitation and her battle for control.

"You said to me that you didn't want to feel the guilt of Revan's past and yet you just admitted that you wanted the pain? Why box yourself in?"

The Jedi saw the flaws in her outburst; she let out a resigned sign. Her battle for control had been won. "Carth," she said quietly, "I simply want the pain, not the guilt. Jedi are expected to accept the consequences of their actions, and I can be no different. I have to come to terms with Aurora's guilt and pain about Revan's actions. Pain I can handle, the agony I can deal with. This…remorse though, is beyond anything that I've ever…oh God, I just don't know."

"You do know, you just won't tell me. So let's be honest with one another, my blasters are on the shelf above you, are you going to take them one night and kill yourself?"

Aurora gave a wry grin, "to be honest the thought does cross my mind for fleeting moments, but its such a…such a messy chain reaction. First of all everyone would be sad, then you'd be leaderless…I mean," she shrugged, "you're all strays, aren't you? All of us."

Seeing Carth's blank stare, she counted the group members on her hand as she rattled them off, "we have a former Cathar slave, a Jedi who gave into the darkside, a former Sith Lord, a cranky old man, a Mandalorian with no clan, a Twi'lek street rat, a soon-to-be Wookie chieftain, an assassin droid – which is illegal in ninety percent of the galaxy I might add – an astromech that I swindled and a soldier who's lost his family. Never have I heard of such a motley group joining forces."

"But why do they stick by you?"

"Pardon?"

"Come on, Aurora. Why do you think we stick with you? You've nearly killed us more than once and you've given us the surprise of our lives. So why? Why after all this time do we strays stay?"

The Consular grimaced, "because I'm naturally charismatic. It's the key factor that won Revan such support. Its because I have ludicrous ideas, because I come up with wonderful plans to save our skins. Its because-"

"Because, as much as I hate it, Revan is a part of who you are. Aurora is a part of who you are too. Hell, do you really think I'd fall for a woman who'd tie me up and put a blaster to my head?"

"I don't know, are you the kinky sort?"

Carth shook his head and laughed, "I really should've seen that coming, huh?"

"Mhmmm."

"Yes… right. But to give you an example, my homeworld, Telos…well you know I can't hold you responsible for it. That doesn't mean that it's not far from my mind, but it was Malak who destroyed it and he got what he deserved. He's dead, and that's good enough for me."

Aurora stiffened and turned her head, "what's good enough for me is that he admitted he was wrong."

"Hey…hey…don't be like that."

"I'll act however damn well I want on the subject of his death!" She took a pause to recover herself, the outburst being quite unexpected. "But you were saying why everyone stuck with me?"

Tracing a rough finger along Aurora's jaw, Carth turned her head back towards him. "Mission would say you have the best of both worlds. And as strange as it seems, I'm starting to feel inclined to agree with the kid. You have Revan's mind, yes. You have her intelligence and you have her talents, but the personality…its not her's."

"But its not mine either! Aurora is just a programmed identity, Carth. Even Juhani hints that who I am now is like the Revan of the past. Aurora might have been given the skills of a rogue but she also had the same qualities."

"You've lost me there."

The Jedi leaned forward on her hands, "I lose myself thinking about it, but I've narrowed it down. I think that Aurora and Revan, are one and the same."

"But then why the problem with identity?"

"Because the only thing separating them are the paths they've walked. I don't know if Aurora will follow Revan's foot steps, if she too could fall to the darkside." The Jedi curled into her lover's warm body. "I didn't get to choose my memories, I never got to decide how I could relive my life. I get flashes…moments where I see my past, Revan's past. Sometimes I feel like I'm in two different worlds, one where I'm playing Aurora and the other I'm playing Revan."

"Damn it, you can make things so complicated."

Aurora managed to laugh. "But that's why I have you. You're so simple."

"Such abuse."

"You love it."

Carth shrugged and stretched himself across his bed, bringing Aurora down with him. He touched his nose to hers and brought her hand to his heart. "You've asked the question and now I'm going to give you an answer. This may not solve all the problems, but it's the one I think you need to hear." He took a deep breath. "Who are you? You are the woman I love. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, protecting and cherishing. You are the thing that keeps me going and I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Oh, Carth-"

"I'm not finished yet. Look, it doesn't matter to me anymore who you choose to be. You say I fell in love with Aurora Gemini, but you also say that she is the same as Revan. If I can get my facts right, I'm loving the same person." He smiled, "which saves me a hell of a lot credits in the long run."

"Oh…you…be quiet!"

"Whatcha gonna do, beautiful?" whispered Carth, "tie me up and put a gun to my head?"

"I might consider it, you son of a Sith."

"Ouch, gorgeous, ouch. Your insults are really improving."

"Thanks, I'm trying." Aurora gave a wink and a quick kiss to him before she tucked her head underneath his chin and intertwined her legs with his, settling herself for sleep.

Carth accommodated her body and pulled a blanket from the compartment above his bunk. "Does this mean you've come to a decision?"

The Jedi smiled against his neck, "no, not yet. But thanks to you, I'm getting there." She closed her eyes, and this night, there were no dreams of death, no memories that came forth from their hiding place; it was just the far away sound of Carth's steady breathing and the blackness of sleep.


End file.
